Here's the chance of life... get ready, set, fly high above the fear of your mind... go for it... It's hit or miss! Too late for you to quit. You gotta show 'em how bad you really want this, so...

Live your dreams, it's not as hard as it may seem. You gotta work to get the cream... on you're hopes you must lean... from your fears, you have to wean yourself... It's all or nothing, give your everything...

*****

My heart is still recovering from the heartbreak of another kind... I'm still drying my tears... getting over my own fears in my life... So I wanna make sure this time that I'm strong enough too give it my all...

*****

You gotta live your dreams... So don't you be afraid... Just set the pace, and take the lead... It's your time to shine... Please believe...

whispered prayer...

elucidate, dear Goddess, my ambiguous fate...
elucidate, dear Goddess, my ambiguous fate...
elucidate, dear Goddess, my ambiguous fate...

the cold hearted winter ghost has come at last...

i have endured the cold nights of negative degrees... i have endured the cold and strong winds that blew my scarf away and pushed me a few steps backwards... i have endured the sadness that comes along with separations and goodbyes... but i don't think i could endure the cold reality that once again... i am alone...

my goals and responsibilities are crystal clear to me... i know what has and needs to be done... i know how much time i have left to accomplish what i have assigned myself to do... but i dont know how much longer i could sleep alone...

my body craves for human touch and my soul is parched... my spirit is searching for its magical intercourse... where is my knight-in-shining-armour?

goddess forbid - i am starting to feel that no matter where i go, the loneliness will find its way to sting me again... is there any way to be freed from this emptiness? am i asking too much?

how much longer until this penance is over?

loyalty

goddess... today i felt obliged to explain myself to a stranger... and as i did... i felt my humanity evade me... i felt that i have been slowly transformed into someone... something... immaterial... i need not be reminded of that - i already feel that way. but i felt i needed to do it - to remind myself why i am here... what pushed me to leave home and chase an unknown horizon... and for a while i believed the stranger as she stared at me like i am a bad guy... for a while i saw myself as the person she thought i was... but then as i slowly walked away i realized that she wasn't looking at me... she was looking at a guy who hurt his friend before... the anger i felt in that stranger disappeared and was replaced by respect... for here is a person putting up her defenses to defend a man she knows to be good... i am convinced though, that if she gave me a chance... she will like me a lot... because goddess, you and i know... that i am not a bad person... and that comforts me....

Fade Away...

once touched by pain... you're not the same... but time can heal your heart again... so let the clouds that bring you down just fade away...

Birthday Card...

Son...

There are so many things I want for you, so many wishes in my heart as i watch you grow into your own life... i wish you a world of adventure and experience - and also serenity that comes from listening to your own inner voice as the world rushes around you... i wish you the strength to face challenges with confidence - along with the wisdom to choose your battles carefully... i wish you the satisfaction of seeing your goals achieved and also the true contentment that is born of simple things - work well done, friends well-loved, moments caught cherished.

...and son, I sincerely wish for you to be truthfully happy not only this day but for all the days to come... words cannot describe the feeling of pride, joy and contentment that I feel in knowing that you are finally on the road to your aspirations and dreams...

And my greatest wish is that you will always remember how much you are loved - for you are a good and caring person... a man I am proud to have for a son...

- your loving parents....

to Tito... from Lance...

silver linings...

Hope is not the closing of your eyes to the difficulty, the risk or the failure... it is a trust that - if I fail now, I shall NOT fail forever; and if I am hurt... I shall be HEALED... it is a trust that - life is good, love is powerful, and the future is full of promise...
(anonymous)

57 to 28

In 57 days… I will be 28 years old…

I don’t feel 28 yet… Hell! I don’t feel 27! But the clock is ticking and my heart is pounding twice as fast… my emotions are divided – one feels that my age stopped the day they planned my life for me… the other feels that I will never have the life that I wanted for myself…

I have found reason to live through my niece, my nephews, my mama, my sisters, my papa… and lately I have found another reason to aspire even more…

I couldn’t help but mourn, though, for the part of me that died when faced with the realities of this world… I was 15 when I dreamt for a life of achievements and drive and passion and competitiveness (funny how young minds think in those days)…

I was 16 when they told me that we cannot afford the life that I have dreamed for myself…

and I was 25 when I let reality bite me… it was the year I gave up and stopped chasing a star that has turned into a black hole…

Reality is still biting me… constantly slapping me in the face and reminding me that I am not getting any younger… that nothing is written in stone…

I wish though that reality worked in a different way… that instead of biting you when you least expect it, teach you what to throw away and what to wait for… I am so tired of compromising…



I think I will sing “Happy Birthday” to my self and blow candles on a cake come B Day… wishing before the candles are blown out for a renewed heart – one that has no memory of the disappointments I have for myself so I could start holding my head high again in confidence that I will make it through…

Goddess, I am so tired of compromising…

"nothing destroys spirit... like poverty..."
-- becoming jane

Love against all odds? dream on...

Dear Life,

damn you're good. i thought one day i'd wake up and decide it's time i taught you a lesson about doing things my way. you go on to tell me it doesn't work that way - yet i go on with my protest and tell you to listen and sit in the back seat. where did the journey lead me? back to the basics! i hate it when you're right.

love is overrated. i have overrated love.

i think i have watched too many hollywood films and listened to too many ballads. enough music! enough films!

love is about convenience. so Earth, love your self more and pray you will find someone who has the convenience of loving you at your convenience. enough drama! it's time to raise an eyebrow.

play music: Jump by Madonna: "i can make it alone! i can make it alone! i can make it alone!"

romeo's heart stopped beating at the sight of juliet's death. shakespeare's pen stopped writing when he died. the sun has set to give way to a pitch black night. i can't see the moon. i can't find my star.

i musn't be left alone. not in the dark. not when there's no one to trust. i wont trust my self. i don't trust my self.



has nature skipped a season? where has autumn gone? the winter has finally come... so help me goddess!

cards down...

tell me that what we have is real... that what we feel may last a lifetime... that when worse comes to worst - you will not give us up until you are sure that you cant fight no more...

or just tell me to move a step back - and i will understand...

01/09/07

"be mine..."

"i am yours..."

needs and wants

what i want precedes what i need...

reassurance...

"i don't think you realise the effect you have on me already... tell me to be yours and i would... my heart would know where it belongs..."

ray of light

dance like nobody's watching... sing like nobody's listening... live like heaven is on EARTH... Love like you've never been hurt...

to be nice is to be cruel

do me a favor and let me go... tell me your heart belongs to someone else and that your crazily in love with him... tell me lies and just improvise... tell me to walk away so i can forget about you.

108 days later...

i have begun a journey of my own... and invested every ounce of my will power into it... i had nothing yet i gave everything there is to give...

why???

to sleep better.

108 days have past since that plane took me soaring into my new atmosphere - had i slept better? no.

making your dreams come true wont give you peace of mind... instead, it will make you more thirsty for adventures and risks... yet no matter how parched i have become since that journey began, i have discovered that i am still a slave of fear... it runs in my blood... the voice of that part of me that has been beaten down by the shits of life echoes in my consciousness - telling me to take it slowly... to not rush things... to let everything fall in its proper place... in its proper time...

but the warrior part of me - the survivor part of me - the MAN in me fights the voice back... for no matter how hard i try to convince myself that everything happens in due time, i know that nothing will happen UNLESS you make it happen... so although the wiser of me is interested in teaching me a lesson of patience, the part of me that has the breathing soul urges me to jump and take the plunge... i have never been the patient type... i have always been the stubborn one - the impulsive one... can you blame me? i was born to live and i will die trying to live the life that i want...

a few hundred more days will come to teach me lessons but i shall take no further lessons from life... it's time to teach life a lesson in communication... it's time to tell life to listen!

cast the first stone!

you think you know BUT you have no idea...

from a favorite sister...

to a loving brother

there are still a million THINGS that i want to tell you...there are yet a million more QUESTIONS i want to ask...a million more LESSONS i want to learn from you... these are a few of the millions of REASONS i would have wanted you to STAY...
but then, i know that you have a million and one more REASONS why you have to LEAVE...
it pains me a lot...but it makes me happy as well...happy to finally see you come THIS FAR...you traveled through a lot of rough roads...yet i only know a few of them...God knows how much more that you kept to yourself...
i ADMIRE YOU...a LOT...
you are the strongest ROCK anyone could ever hold on to...you have and will always be MY ROCK...you have made me the strong person that i am today...you have inspired me to CONTINUE DREAMING...to continue chasing my dreams...you showed me the painful realities of life...and you taught me how to survive them...you gave me ENLIGHTENMENT at the DARKEST of my life...you are SO MANY things to me...
i remember the day you gave us all a letter...and you said and believed that "one day, i will grow into a beautiful swan..."you were right!that made me believe that beauty is skin deep...and i have always felt BEAUTIFUL since then...THANK YOU...
i remember when we both planned our future...that you promised to fulfill my dreams...i trusted you the moment you said that...and i know that one day, all of our dreams would come true...and you will always be there to guide US...THANK YOU in advance...
i will always remember the many times you believed, and made me believe in my talents...i owe my every creation to YOU...THANK YOU SO MUCH...
I'M SORRY...for all the times that i wasn't there for you...for all the times that i failed you...for all the times that i was insensitive...
i want you to know that no matter what...in every decision that you make...i always believe that there is an INTELLIGENT reason behind it...i hope i understand you well enough to make you feel lighter...i hope i'm right to assume that you are happy...
and i PRAY...that you finally find true HAPPINESS and self-contentment...i PRAY...that you finally find your place in this world...i PRAY...that you finally fulfill all of your dreams...i PRAY...that you finally get what you deserve for being the GREATEST BROTHER...
GOOD LUCK on your journey...be GREAT!SHINE! i know your time to be great will finally come...i love you...

not today... not now... not ever!

i will not falter! i am sky bound - not even your sweet kiss and wet lips can stop me.... i am a leaf in the wind... watch me soar!!!!

let's cheers to that! lol

here's to our hopes and dreams...

Mantra

Goddess,

change his mind and make his heart stronger. let him take his words back and take me instead. make my world enough to make him love me for the rest of his life. make him mine and i his. make him see that the only way i can be with him is if i went away. make him thirst for me. make him crave for me. make him a man.

please... make him break his rules some more...

in silence and in the company of my self

Where do you go when you stare into nothingness?

nothing is what it seems...

you think you know... BUT you have NO idea...so stop trying to figure me out. I am more complicated than that. I am nobody's pillar of strength...

unmasked smiles

i smile a smile of hope for the others in the picture - may the rest of my life be enough to make your lives worth living for... Lance, take care of your mom...

Goddess,

how long before you break the shackles that bind me to that which i need? how long before you open the path to that which i want?

where has my youth gone? where is my young heart? has it been frozen by the cold breeze of pain that blew my years away? where is the sun? why am i seeing clouds in my sky again? what is this new lesson? what is this, Goddess?

Fragile Heart

"a fragile heart... was broken before...
i don't think it could endure another pain...
but there's a voice from deep inside of you...
that's calling out to make you realize...
that this new bond... gives inspiration...
to all who feel no love appeal no more...
so how can i break this wall around you?
that's aiding both our hearts to grow in pain?"

LimeLight...

the past few weeks have brought the limelight back into my face... and like the fruit, the light has given me sweet and sour perspectives - both of which neither gave my spectators a glimpse of the truth nor the lie... because like what all other limelights do, who i really am was lost and my viewers' imagination took over.

From the first moment i submitted my desire to step up, the community witnessed how my true potentials unfolded. I remained a silent warrior - i carefully observed my opponents' strengths and weaknesses and memorized my flaws. In the shadows, I became a chameleon - I changed my colors as my environment changed. After all, it was a show that they wanted and i was not about to let the other star wannabes shine brighter than me. So come showtime, when they thought the galaxies were arranged according to their victorious fates, I had the universe kiss my feet! yes, i had anticipated everything and my expectations were met. and now, it seems to the world, that i have a debt to be paid...

I was prepared to be subjected to the crabs' scrutiny and lame excuses for boredom. I was prepared to be humbled by the wise's constructive criticisms. But i must admit, despite my brilliant planning, i wasn't prepared to be decieved by YOU!

YOU... who disguise your venom in a pretty smile... YOU... who think that you are irreplaceable... YOU... who think that all credits should be given to... ARE nothing but a worthless soul... your words are as empty as the black hole... GO TO HELL!

As for the rest of my spectators, keep watching! sit back... relax... the best is yet to come...

from a young admirer...

MA TERRE, MA VIE (my earth, my life)

ive broken my own rules...all that was said...all that was promised...all that was done...vulnerability is but a thread away...and yet I don't care...I don't care a bit...because you came...and you make me want to live and love another day...you're something real and special...you're not just a mere game I used to play...you held me tight...please never let go...with you I am living, not merely existing...hold me close, keep me here...with a start of something...I hope my heart and yours be near...my hand intertwined with yours...you fill the missing space...coz there came a time when I was empty...but now you're here...and im more than overwhelmed when you're with me...stay with me...never leave...you are mine...I am yours...coz now, you...and only you...can and will...complete me...

Ma,

our life was and is still difficult... i cannot deny my true self any longer... twenty-seven years is enough... i had enough! so here i am, pure and not sugar coated... am i still your son?

MGP 2007

"Why is your nickname 'Earth'?"

when i was in highschool i was a perfectionist and i had developed this self-pride that drove my friends away. by the time i reached junior high, all my friends were gone! so i baptized myself as EARTH to constantly remind myself to always keep my feet on the ground... to humble myself...

"Gays, like men, will always be men - polygamous! what is your reaction to this?"

that's a very sad realization - if it was really true. all i can say is that right is right, even if everbody is against it... and wrong will always be wrong even if everyone is in favor of it. what the world doesn't understand is that we, gays, have a very BIG heart - it is sooooo big that it is capable of loving as many people as we want! and we are very intimate people, we love to share intimacy. we only have one life to live right? we are just making the most of it... lol

"There must be more to life than having everything..."

when i was younger, i dreamed of amassing everything that i thought was important - fame, fortune, wealth... but as i grew older i have realized that they can only give you temporary fulfillment. so yes, there is more to life than having everything... it's losing everything you have for the one you love...

a helping hand...

from the Tree to the Fruit...

"last night, your Mama told me a story... she told me of the abuse, the maltreatments and cruelty i did when you were growing up. God knows i didn't know! she said i did it everytime i got drunk... it shamed me to know that i was a monster then...

i cannot bring back the past nor ask for forgiveness because i know it is unforgiveable. i can only hope for your understanding. what i have done were not out of hate - it's very hard to explain. it's more of self-pride and thirst for immortality... understand that i grew up in an era where gays were not accepted... but in spite of all these, my feelings for you, the love of a father to his son, was and will never be in question...

to all your goals and aspirations... i give you my blessings!"

a thankful sibling...

"Gusto ko lang sana mag-sorry sa naging reaction ko. Hindi sa hindi kita tanggap. Matagal na kitang tinanggap. Kung ano man yung mga bagay na gagawin mo, alam ko na para saiyo yun. Mahal kita bilang ikaw... i love you because you honed me to become the person that i am now. i love you because you care and you have shown me how much you believed and loved me and how much you love our family. Thank you for everything. i am proud of what i am now because it's the best person that i can be - and that is because of you... if i would be given a chance to choose what kind of brother i would want to have... i would choose you because you are the best brother a person could ever have..."

it's gonna be great!

Goddess,I would like to thank you for helping me heal my scars and for allowing me to pull myself from the pit that stagnated my life for six years. Although, the future is still unclear to me, the peace that I have found in my heart tells me I am ready to brave the uncertainties. I still have trouble sleeping. Perhaps the imperfections I have made yesterday still keep me awake but I have learned to compromise.A couple of days ago, a young man kissed me. You know how I react to kisses, right? For a while, that kiss kept me smiling. But last night, I was saddened to know that the young man was actually a boy – a boy who thinks he can sleep around and still get the best part of me. I let him go; hoping someday he would realize that in the end, waking up with a familiar face will be more rewarding.I am thinking about my Mom right now. I know she is thinking about me too. Goddess, you must not get your sight off of her – she needs your guidance more than I need yours.Today is a better day… I hope you keep it that way, Goddess. But should you decide to test my will again and measure my survival strengths, I’d say: Bring it on!

the music has invited my feet to glide and as they glided to the tune of every beat, i have slowly healed myself... i danced as if i am the only one dancing and smiled like everyone else was my friend... and it attracted you... drawn you to me... so from this moment on... i will never take off this smile....

Flattery as Morale Booster

so you think that by saying "sweet-nothings" to me you can sweep me off of my feet? a word of caution: be careful with what you say for i shall bind you with it... and the moment you fail to act upon your words, you will see that you are not half the man that you think you are! every word that you shall speak, write or whisper from this day forth shall become the law by which your strength shall be measured - fail your words and you fail your soul... trust is earned, not given... break my trust and you shall never have it again.

"when i first looked into your eyes
each breath became a thousand sighs...
my heart drummed out a thunder beat
i glowed with joy from head to feet...

when i first looked into your eyes
all time and space were paralyzed
and in that instant i was shown
a universe i had never known...
i dwell there still, in Paradise,
when i looked into your eyes..."

tinker bell

i have devoted my entire life looking for that fairy dust - it's the only thing that's keeping me from soaring high... no matter how hard i push myself to think happy thoughts, the weight of the world and the gravity of the earth keep pulling me down.

"In a world full of darkness, we all need some kind of light... whether it's a great flame that shows us how to win back what we have lost... or a powerful beacon intended to scare away unwanted monsters... or a few glowing bulbs that reveal to us the hidden truth of our past... we all need something to help us get through the night... even if it's just the tiniest glimmer of hope..."

desperate housewives

you can fool every one else BUT you can never fool your self... you think that by throwing your old stuff and rearranging your furniture you can change the way you feel? sure, the new arrangement gives you a little room to breath BUT it will take more than that to make your fears go away. just when you thought everything has fallen in to its proper place, you realize that your life is still a mess.

you never realize how irrelevant your past is until you walk the road where they took place... at the end of your day - after the reminiscing and despite all the frustrations, pain or even regrets, aren't you glad that you had moved on?

A Week of "Party Abstinence"

it's been 7 days since i last partied... the first few days were tough since i have been craving for booze, loud music and good company... but things are better for me... i realized that in the company of myself, i do not need to force a smile, fake a laughter or pretend i am happy. i decided to detach myself from everything that has been consisting my monotonous life so i could figure out what i really want. it's all about knowing what would really make you happy, right? being in the company of my parents, sisters, nephews and niece is therapeutic - they remind me, without them knowing it, of the days when i prayed and dreamed for a better life. and now, more than ever, i desire to leave the country and find fortune somewhere else... silently, i pray this desire be granted.

(i miss a few of my acquaintances, though, from the fabs.... i hope they understand why i had to do this...)

"Now it seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table, but you only want the ones you can't get. Desperado, you ain't gettin no younger, Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin you home, and freedom, oh freedom, well that's just some people talkin. Your prison is walking through this world all alone."

every once in a while, we manage to put on a smile... but you and i know what lies beneath it, especially, when no else is watching.

A New Day Has Come...

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears. Let it fill my soul and drown my fears. Let it shatter the walls for a new sun. A new day has come. Where it was dark now there is light. Where there was pain, now there's joy. Where there was weakness, I found my strength…

real friends

It is when we are in great need that we discover who our real friends are... sadly for me, nobody even noticed i was in need of one.

lesson learned: everyone else has their own needs to even notice yours...

about me

now is really not a good time to post a description of myself because i don't have any best foot to put forward... know, though, that this blog was created as an outlet for my dying soul - an avenue for me to release the crazy thoughts that keep me awake at night and the weak flame that keeps my candles burning...