from a favorite sister...

to a loving brother

there are still a million THINGS that i want to tell you...there are yet a million more QUESTIONS i want to ask...a million more LESSONS i want to learn from you... these are a few of the millions of REASONS i would have wanted you to STAY...
but then, i know that you have a million and one more REASONS why you have to LEAVE...
it pains me a lot...but it makes me happy as well...happy to finally see you come THIS FAR...you traveled through a lot of rough roads...yet i only know a few of them...God knows how much more that you kept to yourself...
i ADMIRE YOU...a LOT...
you are the strongest ROCK anyone could ever hold on to...you have and will always be MY ROCK...you have made me the strong person that i am today...you have inspired me to CONTINUE DREAMING...to continue chasing my dreams...you showed me the painful realities of life...and you taught me how to survive them...you gave me ENLIGHTENMENT at the DARKEST of my life...you are SO MANY things to me...
i remember the day you gave us all a letter...and you said and believed that "one day, i will grow into a beautiful swan..."you were right!that made me believe that beauty is skin deep...and i have always felt BEAUTIFUL since then...THANK YOU...
i remember when we both planned our future...that you promised to fulfill my dreams...i trusted you the moment you said that...and i know that one day, all of our dreams would come true...and you will always be there to guide US...THANK YOU in advance...
i will always remember the many times you believed, and made me believe in my talents...i owe my every creation to YOU...THANK YOU SO MUCH...
I'M SORRY...for all the times that i wasn't there for you...for all the times that i failed you...for all the times that i was insensitive...
i want you to know that no matter what...in every decision that you make...i always believe that there is an INTELLIGENT reason behind it...i hope i understand you well enough to make you feel lighter...i hope i'm right to assume that you are happy...
and i PRAY...that you finally find true HAPPINESS and self-contentment...i PRAY...that you finally find your place in this world...i PRAY...that you finally fulfill all of your dreams...i PRAY...that you finally get what you deserve for being the GREATEST BROTHER...
GOOD LUCK on your journey...be GREAT!SHINE! i know your time to be great will finally come...i love you...

not today... not now... not ever!

i will not falter! i am sky bound - not even your sweet kiss and wet lips can stop me.... i am a leaf in the wind... watch me soar!!!!

let's cheers to that! lol

here's to our hopes and dreams...

Mantra

Goddess,

change his mind and make his heart stronger. let him take his words back and take me instead. make my world enough to make him love me for the rest of his life. make him mine and i his. make him see that the only way i can be with him is if i went away. make him thirst for me. make him crave for me. make him a man.

please... make him break his rules some more...

in silence and in the company of my self

Where do you go when you stare into nothingness?

nothing is what it seems...

you think you know... BUT you have NO idea...so stop trying to figure me out. I am more complicated than that. I am nobody's pillar of strength...

unmasked smiles

i smile a smile of hope for the others in the picture - may the rest of my life be enough to make your lives worth living for... Lance, take care of your mom...

Goddess,

how long before you break the shackles that bind me to that which i need? how long before you open the path to that which i want?

where has my youth gone? where is my young heart? has it been frozen by the cold breeze of pain that blew my years away? where is the sun? why am i seeing clouds in my sky again? what is this new lesson? what is this, Goddess?

Fragile Heart

"a fragile heart... was broken before...
i don't think it could endure another pain...
but there's a voice from deep inside of you...
that's calling out to make you realize...
that this new bond... gives inspiration...
to all who feel no love appeal no more...
so how can i break this wall around you?
that's aiding both our hearts to grow in pain?"

LimeLight...

the past few weeks have brought the limelight back into my face... and like the fruit, the light has given me sweet and sour perspectives - both of which neither gave my spectators a glimpse of the truth nor the lie... because like what all other limelights do, who i really am was lost and my viewers' imagination took over.

From the first moment i submitted my desire to step up, the community witnessed how my true potentials unfolded. I remained a silent warrior - i carefully observed my opponents' strengths and weaknesses and memorized my flaws. In the shadows, I became a chameleon - I changed my colors as my environment changed. After all, it was a show that they wanted and i was not about to let the other star wannabes shine brighter than me. So come showtime, when they thought the galaxies were arranged according to their victorious fates, I had the universe kiss my feet! yes, i had anticipated everything and my expectations were met. and now, it seems to the world, that i have a debt to be paid...

I was prepared to be subjected to the crabs' scrutiny and lame excuses for boredom. I was prepared to be humbled by the wise's constructive criticisms. But i must admit, despite my brilliant planning, i wasn't prepared to be decieved by YOU!

YOU... who disguise your venom in a pretty smile... YOU... who think that you are irreplaceable... YOU... who think that all credits should be given to... ARE nothing but a worthless soul... your words are as empty as the black hole... GO TO HELL!

As for the rest of my spectators, keep watching! sit back... relax... the best is yet to come...

from a young admirer...

MA TERRE, MA VIE (my earth, my life)

ive broken my own rules...all that was said...all that was promised...all that was done...vulnerability is but a thread away...and yet I don't care...I don't care a bit...because you came...and you make me want to live and love another day...you're something real and special...you're not just a mere game I used to play...you held me tight...please never let go...with you I am living, not merely existing...hold me close, keep me here...with a start of something...I hope my heart and yours be near...my hand intertwined with yours...you fill the missing space...coz there came a time when I was empty...but now you're here...and im more than overwhelmed when you're with me...stay with me...never leave...you are mine...I am yours...coz now, you...and only you...can and will...complete me...

Ma,

our life was and is still difficult... i cannot deny my true self any longer... twenty-seven years is enough... i had enough! so here i am, pure and not sugar coated... am i still your son?

MGP 2007

"Why is your nickname 'Earth'?"

when i was in highschool i was a perfectionist and i had developed this self-pride that drove my friends away. by the time i reached junior high, all my friends were gone! so i baptized myself as EARTH to constantly remind myself to always keep my feet on the ground... to humble myself...

"Gays, like men, will always be men - polygamous! what is your reaction to this?"

that's a very sad realization - if it was really true. all i can say is that right is right, even if everbody is against it... and wrong will always be wrong even if everyone is in favor of it. what the world doesn't understand is that we, gays, have a very BIG heart - it is sooooo big that it is capable of loving as many people as we want! and we are very intimate people, we love to share intimacy. we only have one life to live right? we are just making the most of it... lol

"There must be more to life than having everything..."

when i was younger, i dreamed of amassing everything that i thought was important - fame, fortune, wealth... but as i grew older i have realized that they can only give you temporary fulfillment. so yes, there is more to life than having everything... it's losing everything you have for the one you love...

a helping hand...

from the Tree to the Fruit...

"last night, your Mama told me a story... she told me of the abuse, the maltreatments and cruelty i did when you were growing up. God knows i didn't know! she said i did it everytime i got drunk... it shamed me to know that i was a monster then...

i cannot bring back the past nor ask for forgiveness because i know it is unforgiveable. i can only hope for your understanding. what i have done were not out of hate - it's very hard to explain. it's more of self-pride and thirst for immortality... understand that i grew up in an era where gays were not accepted... but in spite of all these, my feelings for you, the love of a father to his son, was and will never be in question...

to all your goals and aspirations... i give you my blessings!"

a thankful sibling...

"Gusto ko lang sana mag-sorry sa naging reaction ko. Hindi sa hindi kita tanggap. Matagal na kitang tinanggap. Kung ano man yung mga bagay na gagawin mo, alam ko na para saiyo yun. Mahal kita bilang ikaw... i love you because you honed me to become the person that i am now. i love you because you care and you have shown me how much you believed and loved me and how much you love our family. Thank you for everything. i am proud of what i am now because it's the best person that i can be - and that is because of you... if i would be given a chance to choose what kind of brother i would want to have... i would choose you because you are the best brother a person could ever have..."

it's gonna be great!

Goddess,I would like to thank you for helping me heal my scars and for allowing me to pull myself from the pit that stagnated my life for six years. Although, the future is still unclear to me, the peace that I have found in my heart tells me I am ready to brave the uncertainties. I still have trouble sleeping. Perhaps the imperfections I have made yesterday still keep me awake but I have learned to compromise.A couple of days ago, a young man kissed me. You know how I react to kisses, right? For a while, that kiss kept me smiling. But last night, I was saddened to know that the young man was actually a boy – a boy who thinks he can sleep around and still get the best part of me. I let him go; hoping someday he would realize that in the end, waking up with a familiar face will be more rewarding.I am thinking about my Mom right now. I know she is thinking about me too. Goddess, you must not get your sight off of her – she needs your guidance more than I need yours.Today is a better day… I hope you keep it that way, Goddess. But should you decide to test my will again and measure my survival strengths, I’d say: Bring it on!

the music has invited my feet to glide and as they glided to the tune of every beat, i have slowly healed myself... i danced as if i am the only one dancing and smiled like everyone else was my friend... and it attracted you... drawn you to me... so from this moment on... i will never take off this smile....

Flattery as Morale Booster

so you think that by saying "sweet-nothings" to me you can sweep me off of my feet? a word of caution: be careful with what you say for i shall bind you with it... and the moment you fail to act upon your words, you will see that you are not half the man that you think you are! every word that you shall speak, write or whisper from this day forth shall become the law by which your strength shall be measured - fail your words and you fail your soul... trust is earned, not given... break my trust and you shall never have it again.

"when i first looked into your eyes
each breath became a thousand sighs...
my heart drummed out a thunder beat
i glowed with joy from head to feet...

when i first looked into your eyes
all time and space were paralyzed
and in that instant i was shown
a universe i had never known...
i dwell there still, in Paradise,
when i looked into your eyes..."

tinker bell

i have devoted my entire life looking for that fairy dust - it's the only thing that's keeping me from soaring high... no matter how hard i push myself to think happy thoughts, the weight of the world and the gravity of the earth keep pulling me down.